Last night I had a really intense dream about an old high school crush. It wasn’t overtly sexual – in case you were wondering or worried about what was going to follow – but it was definitely filled with a whole lot of feelings from nearly 15 years ago. Nostalgia is a bit of a bitch.
This crush was a friend but after high school we drifted apart. He was also straight and didn’t know I was gay (at least I think so). The dream expanded on what I would have liked to have happen (and in the meantime he’d gotten a nipple ring which was just fine with me) but it’s the feelings that lingered after waking that have stuck with me so much.
There’s no doubt that nothing could have happened between us but what got me so worked up in the morning was that I should think of him at all, and sadly regret the lost friendship. As we didn’t stay friends then, there seems little chance that we would be friends today but still this didn’t stop me from toying with the idea of finding him.
Surprisingly he’s not on Facebook. Or if he is, he’s under a different name now. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to not be able to find someone on Facebook? It’s worse even than people who have locked their page down tight and only have profile pictures of sunsets and manatees. I had a bit more of a look around but came up with nothing.
I did wonder, somewhat macabrely, whether he’d died. It’s a possibility though hopefully an unlikely one. And there’s nothing worse than thinking you haven’t got a chance of meeting again. Would I want to know if he was dead? It’s hard to say.
As I can’t find him online directly, the next step would be to contact some mutual acquaintaince…but how stalkerish is that? And is there any point in tracking him down to satisfy momentary curiosity and indulgent feelings?
I’ll probably forget about all of this in a few days and it’ll fade away, much like our friendship, without any conscious letting go. And the feelings would drift away too.
But maybe…maybe it would be nice to just find out that he’s doing ok.
What about you? Have you sought out long lost friends for curiosity and nostalgia? In this day of Facebook are the lost ones – the ones who don’t participate – all that more desirable?